This Friday, I am meeting with the school’s psychiatrist to talk about my depression. I know it doesn’t seem like a lot of time has passed since I announced how I’ve been feeling, but right now, I feel like I’m crawling to my end goal of being happy.
I don’t believe life is supposed to be happy 24/7. I know life doesn’t work that way. Sometimes, life will be great; most of the time, it’s pretty shitty. But when it is good, relish it. I can’t relish it. I can’t focus on things being great. Admitting my birthday was a good day was hard enough, let alone any other day of the week.
This is why I find short and long term goals so important. Long-term goals are those faraway dreams you want to have come true, because when they do, you will be beaming for quite a few hours. You will have stories to brag about and new experiences in your artillery to write about. Short-term goals are just as effective, but closer to your line of vision. My short-term goals do make me happy when they are happening, but it doesn’t last. Once I’m home, it’s as if it never happened.
I don’t know if going to the psychiatrist will help, but I hope it does. But at the same time, the act of going to a psychiatrist scares me. I’m worried about what will be uncovered and how it will make me feel. I’m worried how depressed I really am, and nervous about taking medication. According to the CDC, about one in ten Americans over the age of 12 take antidepressants. If it’s so common, then why am I so scared?
I am worried what it means that I can’t get better on my own and that I might need medication. Does it mean I’m not strong enough? Does it mean I just want an easy way out? Can I actually take this medication for a short period of time, or will this be something I’m stuck with for years to come?
At the same time, I want to take the easy way out. It’s my senior year in college. I’m about to graduate and already am worried about being flung in to the real world, trying to find a job where I can write professionally and pay for rent. I have to create a portfolio and shamelessly market myself to as many jobs I can find in my little niche. I have a capstone project and three jobs. I have a trip to Jordan to look forward to and getting back into skiing. Maybe, I’ll even learn to snowboard. Can I really afford to keep crawling at this current pace? I keep up with work and school, but will I lose control of that too? Am I just being irrational, and medication may be a good choice?
I know everyone’s experience is different, but do you have any advice?